I’ve Seen The Future Of Fashion at Coachella – And It’s Sad

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Music festivals have increasingly become less about the music and more about what people wear to pretend that they are enjoying the music. Fashion photographers flock to Governors State Ball, Pitchfork, Lollapalooza and more just to gawk at the future of fashion. Coachella is perhaps the creme-de-la-creme of fashion-forwardness, but if 2017’s Coachella fashion is any indication of the future of fashion then we truly have entered a sad new wave of what not to wear. I’ve seen the future of fashion at Coachella and it doesn’t look great, guys.

Neon Hair

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Are you helping me take notes in a literature class cause your head looks like a damn highlighter. If you want your hair to look like straight up boogers then this look is for you.

…and Kylie Jenner

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This look says “oh you forgot glow-sticks? Use my scalp.” What I’m trying to say is that it might be functional for a music festival and literally nowhere else.

Teeny Tiny Fanny Packs

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Honestly, this look sounds perfectly functional. It’s so functional that my Aunt Pat has been pulling it off for decades. Do you know what else she pulls off? Christmas sweaters year-round and visors. Does that sound like the future of fashion to you? Didn’t think so. Take off the tiny fanny pack belt.

See-Through Mesh Shirts

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Oh, Lord. If your shirt is going to be a long-sleeve see-through shirt, maybe just don’t even bother? I’m sure these look cost $140, so next time just save your money and skip the shirt entirely. This is sad for the future of fashion because it takes so little creative design and can potentially cost more for you to figure out what undergarments to wear underneath. I love a good blouse or summer top! Designers, let’s go back to basics and make a damned good summer top.

Mismatched Patterns

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“Call it accidentism.” There’s no “ism” for mismatched prints. It’s the epitome of the shrugging emoji and literally takes no philosophy or fashion sense to pull off. My three year-old cousin does this every day and he eats paper. Patterns are fun, but please for the sake of all thing holy in style, put a little thought into your ensemble.

White Lace

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There was so much white lace at Coachella this year that I called my grandma to make sure no one had broken into her house to steal her doilies. While a white dress or top is adorable, some of these white lace looks seem less hip and more Emily Dickinson-embracing-her-old-maid-status.

90’s Nostalgia

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90’s nostalgic fashion has been “in” for a few years now, but it is officially dead after I saw this look. You don’t have to make that many decisions when it comes to what to wear…and this dude chose to dress up like a paper cup from the 90s? Can you just go ahead and order a suicide slushie? 

Men Wearing Kimonos

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So men wearing kimonos was a trend at Coachella this year and on paper I don’t hate it, but in person I majorly despise the look. Between the man-bun and the kimono, I’m wondering if scraggly white dudes on molly are culturally appropriating samurai style. In which case, could we please get one of these dudes face-to-face with an actual samurai to scare them straight into putting on real pants again?

Lisa Frank-Inspired

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A lot of bright colors, unicorns, and straight up Lisa Frank leggings made appearances at Coachella. I’m all for bright colors, but no one should sport full body neon unless they are Rainbow Bright. This guy is a great example, but don’t let his Lisa Frank explosion distract you from the fact that the other guy is dressed like the British are coming. 

Dressing Like You’re In The Movie Kill Bill

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This may have just been one person, but it was enough for me to put the future of fashion on HIGH ALERT.

Whatever This Is

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What is…this. I don’t know what it is. I don’t like it. I don’t get it. It’s bad.

Rihanna’s Crystal Gucci Bodysuit

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I understand that fashionistas and the world wide webaverse lost their minds over Rihanna’s look, but she just looks like if Cher tried out a gimp suit. Rihanna was decked out in head-to-toe Gucci in order to enjoy the festival “incognito” – you know, how people are always just enjoying festivals in flashy bodysuits. Honestly, Rihanna pulling off this idea does prove our point. She realized that anything count as fashion now at Coachella, so she donned this outfit that no doubt made her itch in the desert all day long.

Bralettes

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Just once I want the fashion to be “bag sack” instead of “basically underwear” but I guess that’s why I’m not a trendsetter. The bralette is essentially a bra with zero support that ends at the ribcage, but somehow has less coverage than your everyday bra and it was EVERYWHERE at Coachella. It’s sexy, it’s comfy, but don’t be fooled – it IS underwear.

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