15 Disastrous Tinder Profiles We Can’t Swipe Left Fast Enough To

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Tinder is such an addicting yet shallow app. It’s easy to spend hours swiping right if you like it, satisfyingly swiping left if you never want to see it again. Assuming you have come to the resolution that you are not going to find a decent human to meet up for coffee with, the best part of Tinder is coming across (and taking a screenshot of) the amazing/appalling profile disasters. Here are 15 of the best of the worst.

Apples

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This charmer who respects her parents and wants your respect for the tricks she can do with fruit, but accidentally just looks like a Renaissance feast. What would your first message be to Brandon? “Hey, I dig your tree climbing skills. Feel like playing a little William Tell game? I hear your favorite letter is D. Does that stand for dangerous?

Skills

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This guy who gets some points here for:
-Referencing the sexy Captain Jack Sparrow
-Having some photoshop skills
-Potentially referencing a Hindu God
-Referencing the great 80s Was Not Was song “Walk the Dinosaur.”

Not actually real

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We know Charles’ profile isn’t real, BUT if you did go out with him, I’d let several people know where you were going and have all your affairs in order. What is very real about the dude in this photograph is that he is a gun enthusiast who asked his estranged wife to take photos of him on the small bed he was staying on after she had left him for another man who had moved in with them at the time.

Um…

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This dude who may or may not understand what exactly Tinder is for. This is either his lovely bride, or a close sibling relation, or both. Either way, John’s a left swipe, and if you come across someone else with the same photo keep swiping!

Thirsty

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This guy who lures you with his beer in the bathtub. But somehow I suspect this “Brosquito” also leaves you with an annoying itch. For real though, what’s up with the beer in a wine glass in a bubble bath? Any classy man would know to pour that into a martini glass while using a strainer.

Phone home

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This is a girl who every day is getting closer to returning to her home planet. We hope for her sake it’s well past the Kuiper belt where she’s the hottest celestial body for miles around.

Taco Duck

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Honestly, the more you go through Tinder, the better this guy looks. His bathroom is relatively clean, he’s got hobbies, and is in relatively good shape for a taco duck. Also ducks are pretty clean birds, so we hear.

Like what?

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This guy who has probably never actually been on a date, and probably asked the waiter to take this for him. His description of friendship also leaves me concerned that he may not have any friends either. In all seriousness his profile is either intended to raise a few eyebrows, or is fake. Either way, swipe left ASAP.

Librarian

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This girl who clearly is very passionate about looking like she knows how to read. Let’s not be mean for a minute though, she obviously wants people to know that she’s a cute girl who loves to spend time on the beach. The book’s there as a decoy. It’s what you can’t see that you should be concerned about.

Srsly?

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This guy who went from being swipe right-able with his adorable cat picture to being the worst when you read his about me. IS HE TRYING TO BE CUTE AND FUNNY? UGH!!! This is the 21st century and you’re on Tinder. Grow up! That is all.

Oh, hi!

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This sweet girl who likes to do “the art” and wait…..did she decapitate a cow!?! How is holding the severed head of a cow the best photo you’ve got available for Tinder? Kiss, heart eyes, blush. Clearly Samantha’s never read The Jungle. Just think what she could do to you. Swipe!

Honest

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This girl conveys her simple, powerful message so clearly. She’s into pizza parlors, tickets, prizes, and balls from ball pits. Germ-infested ball pits. Ball pits. At a pizza parlor. 

Drinks?

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This guy who is showing you the contents of his liquor cabinet and that his two hands are not doing anything inappropriate. He’s into red wide, some whites, and doesn’t seem to have anything else interesting above the shoulders to share. He’s either got no pants on, or he’s a priest with a few extra layers to hide the collar.

This guy….just can’t be for real. He looks like the nightmare version of one of my uncles I didn’t see for twenty years then happened to run into at a reunion who wouldn’t stop smiling and telling me how much I’d developed. Ugh…

This is awful

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Guys, just do not post a picture where you look like a crackhead, criminal or murder. If you aren’t sure if you do look like one of those things in your picture, Google them to see if you do. This photo will not help you meet women who are normal, well balanced, kind, loving, nurturing, or sane. Figure it out!

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